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Bobby V is the New Coach of Your Boston Red Sox
Multiple outlets are confirming that the 45th manager of the Boston Red Sox will be none other than Bobby effing Valentine.
You might know Bobby Valentine from his absurdly idiotic commentary during Sunday Night Baseball games.
And if you don't know who Bobby Valentine is, just have a conversation with a 5-year old and you won't be far off.
Either way, get used to him because he is the manager of the Sox.
Bobby Valentine has won exactly nothing since he decided to go down the manager career path.
He did manage the 2000 Mets to the World Series, but they were promptly annihilated by roger Clemens and the Yanks when Clemens threw the bat at Piazza.
Remember that? That was 11 years ago. Crazy.
Anyways, I know I just spent the last few hundred words trashing Bobby Valentine, but I really don't mind the Bobby V move.
I just have trouble seeing him stack up to Tito which makes me wonder why the hell they tossed Tito out in the first place.
But Bobby V will be a great players coach that has big market experience. He will also lighten the mood of a clubhouse that couldn't sneeze last year without getting stressed out about it.
Bobby V will never cease to entertain us so I guess that's something to look forward to.
I mean, at the end of the day, honestly, what the hell do I know? What the hell does anybody know?
A bunch of idiots broke an 86-year-old curse once upon a time, maybe an idiot is just what the Sox need to lead them back to greatness.
I Didn't Know Matt Lauer Was a B's Fan
That's ridiculous.
The Boston Brewers? What a joke.
Thanks for the effort, Lauer.
I wonder what the Milwaukee Bruins think of this.
Maybe do a little research next time. Stanley Cup Champs buddy. Probably why Cam Neely is waving to people with the Stanley Cup next to him.
More importantly, how drunk is Cam Neely right there probably?
I'm not saying that because he looks drunk, but in my professional opinion, he has to be hammered.
He's not standing on a parade float waving to random peeps for 2 hours while the doucher who is announcing the thing screws up the franchise name that he fought and bled his own blood for without being hammered.
Tends to facilitate those types of situations.
The Cubs are Sveum-ful; Theo is Delusional
Sveum comes in to the video at the 2:35 mark. I don't know why I posted it. It's kind of weird. But sweet video, Dale.
Get it?
Because Svuemful sounds like shameful...is what I was going for.
But the Cubs named Dale Sveum as manager today and people in Chicago are acting like Theo pulled a fast one on the Red Sox.
Like he stole Dale Sveum out from under our collective noses.
First of all, it's fucking Dale Sveum. The guy was hands down the worst 3rd base coach in Red Sox history. If he was a traffic cop, he's be responsible for more deaths a year than fires, which is a lot.
Second of all, there were reports that Sveum went back to the Red Sox after getting the offer from the Cubs to give them a chance to match the offer.
I'm no mensa candidate, but I'm pretty sure that means the Sox told Sveum no and then he went back to the Cubs.
Either way, I wouldn't be too worried considering, once again, it's fucking Dale Sveum.
But the lack of a managerial-filled quota leads me to the next bit of info.
Apparently, the Sox have since met with resident idiot ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcer and Goosebumps enthusiast Bobby Valentine.
I just don't care anymore. I just want the Sox to name a damn manager already.
Lastly, even though he's gone, Theo is still screwing the Red Sox.
The latest report on the negotiations for his compensation is that they are postponed until December.
Similarly, a report out of this website is that this shit is officially ridiculous.
Theo said the other day that he just doesn't think he's worth that much. And we can only assume that that is the major hold up right now.
Uhhh, newsflash, Pearl Jam. You were arguably the most successful GM for the Boston Red Sox during a tenure which included ending an 86-year-old World Series drought and tacking on another one for good measure.
Not to mention the Sox let you out of your current deal to become the PRESIDENT of one of the most recognizable organizations in the world.
So I'd say you have some value.
Whatever. The Sox need to get their shit together. I'm going to go watch the Bruins.
Get it?
Because Svuemful sounds like shameful...is what I was going for.
But the Cubs named Dale Sveum as manager today and people in Chicago are acting like Theo pulled a fast one on the Red Sox.
Like he stole Dale Sveum out from under our collective noses.
First of all, it's fucking Dale Sveum. The guy was hands down the worst 3rd base coach in Red Sox history. If he was a traffic cop, he's be responsible for more deaths a year than fires, which is a lot.
Second of all, there were reports that Sveum went back to the Red Sox after getting the offer from the Cubs to give them a chance to match the offer.
I'm no mensa candidate, but I'm pretty sure that means the Sox told Sveum no and then he went back to the Cubs.
Either way, I wouldn't be too worried considering, once again, it's fucking Dale Sveum.
But the lack of a managerial-filled quota leads me to the next bit of info.
Apparently, the Sox have since met with resident idiot ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcer and Goosebumps enthusiast Bobby Valentine.
I just don't care anymore. I just want the Sox to name a damn manager already.
Lastly, even though he's gone, Theo is still screwing the Red Sox.
The latest report on the negotiations for his compensation is that they are postponed until December.
Similarly, a report out of this website is that this shit is officially ridiculous.
Theo said the other day that he just doesn't think he's worth that much. And we can only assume that that is the major hold up right now.
Uhhh, newsflash, Pearl Jam. You were arguably the most successful GM for the Boston Red Sox during a tenure which included ending an 86-year-old World Series drought and tacking on another one for good measure.
Not to mention the Sox let you out of your current deal to become the PRESIDENT of one of the most recognizable organizations in the world.
So I'd say you have some value.
Whatever. The Sox need to get their shit together. I'm going to go watch the Bruins.
Looking Good, Paille...
You can barely notice that your face was exploded by a solid rubber disk going 90+ mph.
It looks fine. Just tape it up and get back out there.
Seriously though, nobody is talking about how much of a bullshit shot that was by Steve Staios.
It's easy to overlook because guys block slapshots all the time, but the difference is Paille wasn't trying to block that shot.
I mean, if he wasn't wearing a visor, Danny Paille could be dead right now.
Side note - Paille, how do you feel about still being alive?
And I'm no hockey scientist, but I'm pretty sure that's unnacceptable.
There is a reason you never see dudes get blasted in the face when another dude tries to shoot as hard as he can; it's because defensemen have a responsibility to keep slapshots from the point low for that exact reason.
So I wouldn't be surprised if the B's let Steve Staios know how they feel about it the next time the B's play the Islanders.
And it's not that Staios is a dirty player or anything, far from it. But you just don't shoot that puck off the halfwall like that. It was just a bad decision.
The great thing about Paille, though, is that he won't hesitate for a second next time he has to block a shot again.
So hopefully Paille will be back soon throwing his face in front of slapshots in no time.
BREAKING NEWS: Papelbon is Papelgone
(Sweet commercial, Paps)
Just when I'm driving home after a great week I get the news that Jonathan Papelbon has signed a 4-year deal with the Phillies worth 50 mil.
Son of a bitch.
Everything was going grreat until Papelbon Irish jigged his way to Philly.
Good luck in Philly, Paps.
You were one of the most dominant closers in the game for the Sox, yet somehow you were never good enough (except 2007).
Good luck doing that jig without "Shipping Up to Boston" blaring in the background.
Maybe our next closer will rely more on his pitches than a stupid fish face before he pitches.
For those of you out there that can't find any positives in this news, consider the following:
1) The IQ of the Boston Red Sox just jumped at least 40 points.
2) The Sox will most likely receive the Phillies' 1st round pick and a sandwich pick as a result because Paps was a Type A free agent. It is the 31st pick, but it's still a 1st rounder.
3) The free agent closer market is deep as hell this year so whether the Sox promote Daniel Bard to closer and get a guy for the 8th or just sign a new closer straight up, the production will most likely not take a hit.
Unless that fat ass Bobby Jenks is somehow named closer, but I don't see that happening unless he threatens to give everybody his Type I Diabetes somehow.
But there are plenty of options at closer this off season, which is both fortunate and peculiar. But I'm not about to question it. I'm just happy the Sox should be able to find a worthy replacement for Paps.
That list includes guys like Ryan Madson, Heath Bell, Jonathon Broxton, K-Rod, Frank Francisco, Joe Nathan, etc.
That's a ton of talent on the open market.
I'd be happier than a pig among guinea pigs if the Sox signed Heath Bell.
He's a perfect fit; Outgoing personality, good clubhouse guy, throws a baseball well, hasn't had less than 42 saves the last 3 years, and best of all, he slides into the mound when he pitches in All Star games.
Oh yeah, and he's already said he'd love to play here.
If Ben Cherington signed Heath Bell and either Joe Nathan or Jonathan Broxton to incentive-laden deals then the bull pen would be in great shape.
Especially if he brought in Broxton because I think he's going to have a HUGE season next year.
And I won my 8-team fantasy baseball league last year so I obviously know what I'm talking about. No big deal.
But I was looking up Broxton's numbers for the purposes of this post and I almost passed out. In 2009, the dude had 36 saves with a 2.61 ERA, and ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN K's in 76 innings.
That's 1.5 K's per inning. He struck out a dude and a half every inning for the entire year! That's absurd.
So when Ben Cherington reads The Buzz and signs Heath Bell and Jonathan Broxton or Joe Nathan, you can all come thank me for building the Sox' awesome bull pen.
Timmy's New Helmet
That is Timmy Thomas' new helmet to promote Movember and prostate cancer.
And it is awesome.
That dude looks like Mr. Slave from South Park.
Didn't know he was a B's fan.
Gold Glove Love for Sox
Last night was one of the stupidest, most ridiculous television programs I have ever witnessed in my life: The Gold Glove Awards.
I couldn't believe it when I saw it.
ESPN actually had a show for it that was an exact replica of a regular award show.
It was just like the Emmys. Dudes in suits, golden awards everywhere, announcing the winner and how many times they've won the award, John Kruk being all fat and eating food when he's not supposed to, etc.
It was so pathetic and the worst part is I watched a good part of it. Pathetic.
More importantly, Jacoby Ellsbury, Adrian Gonzalez, and Dustin Pedroia all took home a Gold Glove. And by "took home" I mean "someone said they won it on TV and they probably had no clue."
But I absolutely hate rooting for Sox players to win Gold Gloves because that usually means they didn't win the World Series.
So congrats, guys, Gold Gloves are cool.
But you know what's really cool?
World Series rings.
Ad Battle
Finally, I get to do the ad battle that I have been waiting to do for about four months, no joke. I saw a commercial with Shawn Thornton in it awhile ago and was waiting for another Bruins player to star in a commercial so I could illustrate just how bad the Shawno commercial is.
I saw this first commercial shortly after the Bruins won the Cup and thought, "wow, I should be reimbursed the time it took to watch that or get paid or something because that was just awful."
It's not Shawno's fault. You can't hate the man for trying to expand his image and make some cash money. I blame that entirely on whoever the 5-year old was who wrote it.
So without further-a-dudes:
Literally, anybody in the world could take ten minutes to think of a better way to convey the company's message than that.
Then, it finally happened. Timmy Thomas starred recently in one of those Discover commercials with the dude named "Peggy" and right then I realized I could finally make my post.
It's important to note that Pride Motor Group is a tiny bit more small-time than Discover Card, but remember that the point of this exercise is to make Pride Motor Group feel stupid for making such an awful commersh.
Here's Tank in his commercial debut:
That is how you do it!
I saw this first commercial shortly after the Bruins won the Cup and thought, "wow, I should be reimbursed the time it took to watch that or get paid or something because that was just awful."
It's not Shawno's fault. You can't hate the man for trying to expand his image and make some cash money. I blame that entirely on whoever the 5-year old was who wrote it.
So without further-a-dudes:
Literally, anybody in the world could take ten minutes to think of a better way to convey the company's message than that.
Then, it finally happened. Timmy Thomas starred recently in one of those Discover commercials with the dude named "Peggy" and right then I realized I could finally make my post.
It's important to note that Pride Motor Group is a tiny bit more small-time than Discover Card, but remember that the point of this exercise is to make Pride Motor Group feel stupid for making such an awful commersh.
Here's Tank in his commercial debut:
That is how you do it!
FUTURE BREAKING NEWS: Patriots Release Julian Edelman
I'm sure you have all heard about Julian Edelman by now, but if you solely get your sports news from The Buzz, then get ready for some news.
Julian Edelman was arrested and charged with allegedly groping a woman at some crappy night club in Boston.
He was dressed as Lt. Dangle from Reno 911 and reportedly went to a Halloween party with a couple other teammates.
While this is a very serious allegation, as with any situation, it is important to refrain from judgment until the facts start coming out.
That's what sucks about stuff like this; as far as fans are concerned, it is just as likely that this woman is looking for a pay day as it is that Julian Edelman is the biggest d bag in the NFL and does this sort of stuff all the time.
So time will tell if Edelman will be found guilty or not.
But if he is, I will have lost all respect for the guy and, more importantly, you can consider him instantly cut.
Bill will drop his ass faster than he dropped the Jets for the Pats on what was one of the best days in my life.
To be continued I suppose...
